Customs, Revenue, Treasury, DEFRA, CSA, and Jobcentre Plus all decide to compete in the Three Peaks Challenge, with the following results:
- Customs got to the top first., having followed the first routes they spotted. This might have been a risky strategy, and a few people got killed along the way up.
- Revenue never got as far as climbing the mountains. At the end of the allotted time they were still at the bottom appraising the various possible routes.
- Treasury went potholing instead, but claimed they had actually won. They said that ministers had changed it to a potholing competition as the last minute but they had been unable to tell anyone because of "budget security".
- DEFRA implemented the EU Directive on mountains, thus reclassifying the geological features in question as deep river valleys.
- CSA failed to reach the base of the mountains. The team left home in a minibus which broke down on the way. The mechanic brought in to fix it declared it beyond repair and sent the team home before inviting a team of professional mountaineers to carry him to the top - but he failed to make it as the professionals went off to rescue those involved in the Customs' debacle. Meanwhile, sat at home, the CSA team blame the mechanic, the minibus, the manufacturer of the minibus, the British road system, and all the pedestrians they met along the way for their failure.
- Jobcentre Plus fielded a team genuinely committed to winning. The group leader decided they would get to the top more quickly with a smaller group and sent a third of them home. This meant there wouldn't be enough people to carry all the climbing gear, but the leader reassured the team that all would be well. Unfortunately, halfway up, they ran out of rope. The leader fell off the cliff face and dragged the rest of the team to their deaths on the rocks below (where their bodies were recovered by the same professionals who took over the CSA's expedition).
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